Ok, Mr Ronald McDonald, I don’t visit you very often but when I do, I’d like us to be courteous to each other and help others do the same.

First of all, I don’t dress and wear my make up to scare you and I also don’t associate with thieves or ‘hamburglers’. Please wipe that insane smile off your face and rid your establishment of criminals.

Secondly, please advise your staff that if they can in any way hear me, that they can take my order. If I’m at the first speakerbox and there’s no car behind me in the drive thru, and the person with the headset can hear me say ‘cheeseburger’ then I shouldn’t need to drive to the next speakerbox, I’ll just get the cheeseburger at the window. Let’s just start the conversation. Meet me where I’m at.

If a person in the drive thru speaks to you for more than 10 minutes about what they want to order, you should open a trapdoor underneath their car and keep them in timeout until they realise that they are wasting their time and that the only real reason to go to McDonald’s is to get a cheeseburger.

Why have an American themed, limited time only menu in Australia? As far as we’re aware, the entire McDonald’s menu is already American themed.

Why doesn’t the McOz burger contain kangaroo meat?

Why don’t you universally call the Quarter Pounder with Cheese the Spanish name: ‘cuarto de libra con queso’? It sounds so much prettier and then you could put it on the ‘little bit fancy’ menu.

And on that, I think you need to realise that a clown wearing stripes and yellow overalls isn’t expected to serve food that is even a ‘little bit’ fancy. Your attire suggests carny fare. Your friend is a purple blob who I can’t imagine cares whether or not his burger meat is genuine Australian Angus beef or if his hamburger bun is soft sourdough.

The new addition to the menu should be dagwood dogs. And please, make sure you refill your ketchup bottles in preparation for this. It is already very offensive to receive each Quarter Pounder with the remnants of a sauce bottle fart barely visible in the middle of the cheese.

Your eyebrows are so high. Why are you so surprised, Mr McDonald?