Tag Archives: relationships

My boyfriend’s best friend is dreamy

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First up, full disclosure: I don’t currently have a boyfriend.

This is why I think I have waited until this golden, shining singleton moment to confess that I have never failed to have a thing for the quirky sidekick of the leading men in my life. It’s a little tricky (not to mention risky) to write this post when you’re in a relationship.

Of course I have never acted on these crushes over the years. In reality, no matter how deliciously understanding, cute, sweet and funny your boyfriend’s best friend is, the true reason for his appeal is that he is similar to your boyfriend but you don’t have to deal with his annoying habits. You get to hold onto the fantasy that he is like your boyfriend, but without the stuff that makes you grind your teeth at night. You know, those things that your boyfriend says or does that you try to ‘work’ through, but are really concerned are giving you a stomach ulcer due to all of your repressed anger and frustration.

However, it’s an entirely different situation in movies. The quirky boy best friends are exceptionally awesome and, quite often, are shunned by the girl even when they prove they are far more worthy than the leading man.

So without further ado, here is my tribute to the unsung heroes of film: the guys on the sidelines who I firmly believe should have been chosen over the guy saying, “Sorry, just realised I have been a complete tosser this whole time, but I love you. Lucky you. Will you marry me?” at the end of the movie.

Jon Cryer, Pretty in Pink.

Jon Cryer, Pretty in Pink.

1. Classic Jon Cryer. How can you turn down a young man named Ducky? He sang to you, Ringwald, he sang to you. And side note, I don’t know, I just don’t think that dress is quite… there yet.

John Krasinski, Something Borrowed.

2. Are you kidding me, Ginnifer?? What kind of name is Ginnifer? Ginnifer is the Molly Ringwald of the present day, I’ve just decided. Nothing like a close, loyal, smart, funny friend who you love dearly and is JOHN KRASINSKI, the nicest guy on the planet after Steve Carrell, when you can try to be with a guy who fell for your ditzy, self-absorbed ‘best friend’ and isn’t sure a relationship with you looks right.

Jason Biggs, My Best Friend’s Girl.

3. I refer to My Best Friend’s Girl yet again. This movie contains so many ‘what the f*@#!’ moments for me. Sure, the pie guy comes on a little strong in this one but if we’re holding him up against Dane La Douche Cook? Neither guy wins on the names though. Tank and Dusty? Sounds like an ill-written children’s book about a couple of scrappy mutts comically awaiting adoption at the local pound, lest they be sent to doggy heaven. Alec Baldwin should have been called Rover. But hey, at least Kate Hudson’s character was named after Joan Collins in Dynasty. Ok, I’ll stop it on the name criticism. But seriously, Hollywood.

Jason Lee, Chasing Amy.

4. Banky Edwards. Now I’m not saying Alyssa Jones had a shot with him (due to his predilection for dick and fart jokes), but maybe I would have taken a moment’s pause to consider the uh, offer in that living room scene at the end. Grown men who can pull off a backwards baseball cap are my weakness. Very few can. Many try.

Mark Ruffalo, Rumor Has It.

5. Ok, Jennifer Aniston, really try to concentrate this time. Mark Ruffalo or Kevin Costner? NO, GODDAMNIT! … Ok. I’m sorry. I’m going to ask you one last time. Ok. Maark, as in the handsome guy who rocked Meg Ryan’s world in In the Cut, or Kevin? Now remember, Kevin was in Waterworld. And you thought he was your father. Thank god she gets it right in the end at least.

Ed Norton, Fight Club.

6. This one isn’t entirely valid because well, 14-year-old spoiler alert, Helena Bonham Carter did actually choose Ed Norton, but to my mind, Ed is the sexier version of Brad Pitt, not the other way around as it is presented to us. Like if they were really separate people, I would be all about Ed.

Ed Norton, Keeping the Faith.

7. Ed Norton, part two. Keeping the Faith – why doesn’t Dharma, I mean Jenna Elfman, pick Ed over Ben Stiller? Given Ed directed this movie, I’m guessing it’s because he’s humble. Which makes me love him even more.

Adam Goldberg, How to Lose a Guy in 10 Days.

8. Adam Goldberg. His character is witty, articulate and gets the leading man to see reason about the lady in the end, before she gets away. Just imagine Adam on the motorbike to the tune of the best Gin Blossoms song in the movie’s finale, instead of the guy who communicates via a series of grunts, squeals and chin thrusts. Best line from McConaughey in the movie: “Naw, naw, naw, naw, naw, come oon, man, hoooooooo!” Use your words, Matthew.

Ron Livingston, Buying the Cow.

9. Three words, Bridgette Wilson: spoilt for choice. Your boyfriend’s friends include Ryan Reynolds and Ron (slacker has never been made more sexy) Livingston and you’ve gone with the crybaby who couldn’t cross a bridge in Stand by Me. And you’re a smoking hot blonde. I may also be looking at you, Rebecca Romijn. Not going to rub it in though, Bridgette, you paid the price for your mistake. We’ve all been there.

Jon Favreau, The Break Up.

10. Putting this one out there… Jon Favreau. He’s got that big bear thing like Javier Bardem that makes me just wanna sit on his lap. No, just me? Ok, never mind. I also don’t have dreams about Pete Hornberger from 30 Rock taking me out to a dive bar for beers and under-the-table knee rubs. Really, I don’t.

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You can’t come back from that

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Movies can sometimes set audiences up for disappointment in real life. There are certain things one just can’t do if one wants to maintain a relationship with another person. Unless the person in question has really low self-esteem, there are quite a lot of deal breakers that will ruin any chance of the ‘happily ever after’.

Here are the movies that are guilty of overestimating human forgiveness and understanding.

Wedding Crashers

Your new boyfriend seems uh… nice. (Photo credit: Wikipedia)

Wedding Crashers

“So, sure, Mom, he lied to us all about who he was, crashed both my sisters’ weddings, but it was only because he and his buddy like to spend every summer lying to strangers to spoil their days and have sex with any girl they can get drunk enough. It doesn’t mean he’s a bad person. I think he’s The One.”

– No ending to any real story that has happened ever.

Film poster for My Best Friend's Wedding - Cop...

My Best Friend’s Wedding, aka 10 Ways to Ensure Your Best Friend Gets a Restraining Order Against You. (Photo credit: Wikipedia)

My Best Friend’s Wedding

“Hey, remember that time you tried to sabotage my marriage and get me fired? Haha, good times.”

– Awkward future conversation that a man won’t be having with his former best friend.

Cover of "My Best Friend's Girl (Unrated ...

Why is she SMILING? Name three good qualities the guy has, just three, seriously, Kate Hudson! (Photo credit: Amazon)

My Best Friend’s Girl

“When I first met Tank, he was such an asshole. He took me out for a date to a strip club and got me to pay for his lap dance. But then he had no strings attached sex with me for a series of weeks before attending my sister’s wedding, vomiting on her during her first dance with her husband, fatally injuring my grandmother, and propositioning my mother for fellatio. And I think that’s around the time I realised he was the man I was going to marry.”

–      A speech you won’t hear from a bride at her wedding reception.

Once Upon a Time in America

He’s a very distinguished looking leading man (with a great hat) who just gets a little rapey sometimes. (Photo credit: 3G Blu-Ray)

Once Upon a Time in America

“I can’t believe you won’t forgive me after I never even apologised for raping you. We’ve clearly loved each other all these years.”

–      Man in straitjacket.

Big Daddy (film)

Aww, that’s so sweet. (Photo credit: Wikipedia)

Big Daddy

“I think it’s totally cool you only work one day a week, sit on your ass all day, and lie to child services to get a kid to care for irresponsibly.”

–      An intelligent, beautiful, successful lawyer’s response to her date right before the fake emergency phone call from her friend to get her the hell out of there.

Film poster for The Exorcist - Copyright 1973,...

Kill it, seriously, kill it now. Why are you talking to it? What, now you’re recording it?? Are you two making an album together? What the hell, priest? (Photo credit: Wikipedia, Copyright 1973, Warner Bros.)

The Exorcist

“Thanks for inviting me over yesterday to see your daughter who’s clearly possessed by Satan and literally the most terrifying thing I’ve ever seen. I’m back to have another word with her.”

–      A little white lie told with crossed fingers and a firearm held behind the priest’s back.

Cover of "The Family Stone (Widescreen Ed...

So much awkwardness. (Photo credit: Amazon)

The Family Stone

“Things feel so much more comfortable this Christmas since we swapped girlfriends.”

–      Not a likely remark to be passed between brothers at the family dinner table.

Breaking up is hard… no actually, is getting easier to do

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PROOF: Singing to yourself in your underwear helps.

PROOF: Singing to yourself in your underwear helps.

Going through a break up can make it seem like all of your Facebook friends are married and producing offspring, while another one of your attempts at a ‘happily ever after’ has turned to dust.

However, the more of these break ups I endure, the better I get at figuring out the way through to the end without causing serious damage to others or myself.

I have learned not to set fire to anything, to ask politely for any of my borrowed stuff back, and to accept my role in the relationship’s demise.

I have realised that I need to acknowledge that the relationship is over and that makes me sad. If I don’t make my peace with this, I become very good at pretending I’m happy and running straight into another man’s arms/bedroom. Cut to three years later and I’ll be going through another break up. Contrary to what I claim in job applications, it seems I am not a fast learner.

That leads me onto the importance of not having sex with any of your friends. Complicated, very complicated, and really just not worth it. Not fun in the end, I guarantee you. Ignore every stupid romantic comedy movie ever made about the love of one’s life having been under one’s nose the whole time. People are generally not stupid and realise pretty early on if they want to hook up with a new ‘friend’.

Look, I love When Harry Met Sally as much as the next person, but in reality, the movie’s ending translates to this:

Harry was so horny one New Year’s Eve that he decided to go apologise to his friend, the last person he slept with who still liked him afterwards. Sally was on a bad date and feeling pretty depressed so they decided to get married to ensure they’d at least have sex and company. Sally was then able to concentrate on her career as a journalist and Harry went back to consulting with politicians (or whatever it was he did).

I may even understand now how to stay friends with an ex. So long as I never see him with a new girlfriend. That’s realistic, right?

The most important thing to remember is to reach out to friends and family for chats, alcohol, flowers, puppies, chocolate, and hugs.

They will give you validation that you still ‘got it’ when you roll up in your car blaring Beyoncé and emerge wearing tight pants. Just don’t bang them. Seriously, no banging.

And this is that Beyoncé song you need to listen to. It actually includes the line, “Sucks to be you right now.” Better than Neil Sedaka.

Live like a boy for a week

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"You know how I know you're gay..."

“You know how I know you’re gay…”

Are you feeling stressed, exhausted or strung out? Forget expensive day spas, massages, alcoholic beverages and gorging chocolate whilst watching misleading romantic comedy films.

How would you like a free vacation from all your worries and cares?

Wondering where the hell I’m going with this?

Four words. Four simple words and you will thank me, non-verbally and probably just in your own head, for the rest of your life.

LIVE LIKE A BOY.

You might say, ‘why would I want to do that?’ or ‘what do boys know?’ or ‘hey, I used to be a boy’ but do you really understand what makes The Boy so great? Do you know his essence (no, not that kind of essence) and can you really make use of it (no, not like that, stop it) and wear it with pride (whatever, grow up)?

I’m going to break this plan down into three (that’s the same as 3!) easy steps because everybody loves numbers of things. It’s that simple.

#1 In the office

Perfect the art of nonchalance at work. If you act like you don’t care if you get fired, you will never get fired. In fact, you will probably get promoted.

See Exhibit A: the fine, critically acclaimed film Office Space.

Practise shrugging in response to questions, and see how quickly you can hit the floor under the meeting table when the boss asks for volunteers for additional work.

Make sure you never contribute food to birthday morning teas but always be sure to eat the most after turning up late. Don’t participate in singing ‘Happy birthday’ because only lame people do that.

In fact, do not, I repeat do not, turn up on time to anything ever. Make sure you are at least half an hour late to the office everyday and don’t offer any explanation as to why you were late. If directly asked, say ‘I was sleeping’. If pushed for further explanation, tell them you had a late night at the pub.

Ignore all electronic meeting requests and always always respond to questions with ‘I dunno, ask [insert your most annoying work colleague here].’

Trust me, work stress will soon be a thing of the past.

#2 Recreation time

It is easy to fall into the trap of trying to be ‘productive’ with your spare time and fill hours with grocery shopping, cleaning, gardening or visiting family and friends. Reading a book, well, that just makes me laugh… and then feel sorry for you.

Keep it simple, stupid. Get an Xbox and play from Friday night through to the wee hours of Monday morning. Imagine the kills you’ll get in that time and the people you’ll avoid getting into complicated discussions with.

If you sometimes crave human connection, get a headset and talk smack about your mate’s mum whilst sneaking up behind her and shooting her in the head. You didn’t really murder your best friend, it’s a game, silly. But it does prepare you to fight in the army, defeat an alien invasion and/or drive prostitutes to their next appointment.

Come Monday morning, you’ll feel a sense of accomplishment, stress relief from killing so many Nazis and you’ll feel super tired at work which will help you carry out step #1 of this program.

See Exhibit B: Vince Vaughn (that man has taught me so much) in The Break Up, which leads me to…

#3 Relationships are for suckers

Who needs a human lover when you have an iPad or similar mobile device? Touching a touchscreen is so much more satisfying.

Even when Siri does talk back, she at least apologises first.

Who needs the kind of pressures and expectations from a boyfriend/girlfriend/wife/husband?

But if you must maintain your relationship during your vacation time, make sure to do the right thing and FART.

That’s right, F.A.R.T.

F – Yes, literally Fart on your lover. But don’t just fart. Get creative! Fart blossom, when you use your hands to help waft the odour directly into their face. Dutch oven, when you fart under the blankets and then force their head underneath the covers. Take a romantic bath, take quiet and tranquil pause, gaze into your lover’s eyes and fart underwater. It’s Fun.

A – Ensure Accuracy. Hey, you’re not going to let go of your mobile device so why not use it in your relationship? Fact-check every statement that your partner makes. Is that really a French wine? Does their family really originate from Ireland? Were they popular in high school? Make enquiries, do your research, join online communities, google. It makes whatever they’re rambling on about so much more interesting if you can disprove it. It makes you an Asshole, which is so much fun to be. See Exhibit C: Denis Leary’s classic song Asshole.

R – Delay Response time. Just because they ask you a question, it does not mean it warrants an answer from you. Inane questions like, ‘what are you thinking?’ when clearly you’re thinking about how to kill the enemy in Call of Duty, hardly deserve a response. Just pretend you have gone deaf for three hours. It’s liberating.

T – Turn off. Seriously, this is where your mobile device truly does become a smart phone. Ignore calls, turn off your phone, remain un-contactable. If you get a long text message with a lot of detailed questions about dinner tonight, ignore it until 9.30pm and then text back, ‘hey, what up?’ It keeps your lover on their toes, gives you solitude and keeps the fire alive.

Just use these 3 easy steps and you’ll be enjoying the carefree life of a boy in no time. And if not, whatevs.