Category Archives: pop culture

Breaking up is hard… no actually, is getting easier to do

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PROOF: Singing to yourself in your underwear helps.

PROOF: Singing to yourself in your underwear helps.

Going through a break up can make it seem like all of your Facebook friends are married and producing offspring, while another one of your attempts at a ‘happily ever after’ has turned to dust.

However, the more of these break ups I endure, the better I get at figuring out the way through to the end without causing serious damage to others or myself.

I have learned not to set fire to anything, to ask politely for any of my borrowed stuff back, and to accept my role in the relationship’s demise.

I have realised that I need to acknowledge that the relationship is over and that makes me sad. If I don’t make my peace with this, I become very good at pretending I’m happy and running straight into another man’s arms/bedroom. Cut to three years later and I’ll be going through another break up. Contrary to what I claim in job applications, it seems I am not a fast learner.

That leads me onto the importance of not having sex with any of your friends. Complicated, very complicated, and really just not worth it. Not fun in the end, I guarantee you. Ignore every stupid romantic comedy movie ever made about the love of one’s life having been under one’s nose the whole time. People are generally not stupid and realise pretty early on if they want to hook up with a new ‘friend’.

Look, I love When Harry Met Sally as much as the next person, but in reality, the movie’s ending translates to this:

Harry was so horny one New Year’s Eve that he decided to go apologise to his friend, the last person he slept with who still liked him afterwards. Sally was on a bad date and feeling pretty depressed so they decided to get married to ensure they’d at least have sex and company. Sally was then able to concentrate on her career as a journalist and Harry went back to consulting with politicians (or whatever it was he did).

I may even understand now how to stay friends with an ex. So long as I never see him with a new girlfriend. That’s realistic, right?

The most important thing to remember is to reach out to friends and family for chats, alcohol, flowers, puppies, chocolate, and hugs.

They will give you validation that you still ‘got it’ when you roll up in your car blaring Beyoncé and emerge wearing tight pants. Just don’t bang them. Seriously, no banging.

And this is that Beyoncé song you need to listen to. It actually includes the line, “Sucks to be you right now.” Better than Neil Sedaka.

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I’m coming out of the closet… with a jar of Nutella

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Sunday night dinner.

Sunday night dinner.

Blogging is great, isn’t it. There’s such a feeling of safe, almost anonymity.

In the spirit of this feeling of security, and while I’m also under a blanket on my couch on a chilly Sunday evening, I am going to confess a few things to you. They are the obsessive habits I have cultivated throughout my life that I have been too ashamed to admit until now.

  1. I own all 10 seasons of Friends on DVD and have watched them repeatedly for the past nine years.
  2. Sometimes when I’m alone at night, I dine on spoonfuls of Nutella. As far as I know, it’s not not a healthy meal replacement.
  3. I perform concerts in my living room when home alone. If I don’t look in the mirror, I can convince myself that I am Eddie Vedder.
  4. When I’m reading a book and the author describes a strange sound that an animal is making, I start trying to quietly make that sound.
  5. I talk to my dog so much that I start truly believing she understands me and is responding with a series of head tilts, barks and leaving the room.
  6. I also speak encouragingly to food as I am cooking dinner. “Ok, tomato, so what I’m going to do is just turn you like this and make a quick incision right here. See, that doesn’t hurt too much, right? You look fabulous, by the way.”
  7. I make meaningless lists. Like titles of books I will write some day that I currently have no story for, female celebrities I would befriend if I were a famous film director, and lists of obsessive habits about which I can blog.
  8. Of course, I also spend a lot of time with my laptop and can spend up to an hour staring blankly at my Facebook profile, trying to figure out how to make it more interesting.
  9. I google celebrities I find attractive to find out if they are currently single and potentially open to dating me.
  10. My favourite thing to do is make dramatic resolutions to learn a language or take a course. Thanks to the Internet, I have quite a collection of phrase books in various languages and a folder of university courses on pretty much every subject imaginable. I only follow through on about one per cent of these ‘commitments’.

I welcome you to come out of the closet and share your so-called weird habits. It’s kinda like getting drunk together.