Category Archives: humor

Aug14

My boyfriend’s best friend is dreamy

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First up, full disclosure: I don’t currently have a boyfriend.

This is why I think I have waited until this golden, shining singleton moment to confess that I have never failed to have a thing for the quirky sidekick of the leading men in my life. It’s a little tricky (not to mention risky) to write this post when you’re in a relationship.

Of course I have never acted on these crushes over the years. In reality, no matter how deliciously understanding, cute, sweet and funny your boyfriend’s best friend is, the true reason for his appeal is that he is similar to your boyfriend but you don’t have to deal with his annoying habits. You get to hold onto the fantasy that he is like your boyfriend, but without the stuff that makes you grind your teeth at night. You know, those things that your boyfriend says or does that you try to ‘work’ through, but are really concerned are giving you a stomach ulcer due to all of your repressed anger and frustration.

However, it’s an entirely different situation in movies. The quirky boy best friends are exceptionally awesome and, quite often, are shunned by the girl even when they prove they are far more worthy than the leading man.

So without further ado, here is my tribute to the unsung heroes of film: the guys on the sidelines who I firmly believe should have been chosen over the guy saying, “Sorry, just realised I have been a complete tosser this whole time, but I love you. Lucky you. Will you marry me?” at the end of the movie.

Jon Cryer, Pretty in Pink.

Jon Cryer, Pretty in Pink.

1. Classic Jon Cryer. How can you turn down a young man named Ducky? He sang to you, Ringwald, he sang to you. And side note, I don’t know, I just don’t think that dress is quite… there yet.

John Krasinski, Something Borrowed.

2. Are you kidding me, Ginnifer?? What kind of name is Ginnifer? Ginnifer is the Molly Ringwald of the present day, I’ve just decided. Nothing like a close, loyal, smart, funny friend who you love dearly and is JOHN KRASINSKI, the nicest guy on the planet after Steve Carrell, when you can try to be with a guy who fell for your ditzy, self-absorbed ‘best friend’ and isn’t sure a relationship with you looks right.

Jason Biggs, My Best Friend’s Girl.

3. I refer to My Best Friend’s Girl yet again. This movie contains so many ‘what the f*@#!’ moments for me. Sure, the pie guy comes on a little strong in this one but if we’re holding him up against Dane La Douche Cook? Neither guy wins on the names though. Tank and Dusty? Sounds like an ill-written children’s book about a couple of scrappy mutts comically awaiting adoption at the local pound, lest they be sent to doggy heaven. Alec Baldwin should have been called Rover. But hey, at least Kate Hudson’s character was named after Joan Collins in Dynasty. Ok, I’ll stop it on the name criticism. But seriously, Hollywood.

Jason Lee, Chasing Amy.

4. Banky Edwards. Now I’m not saying Alyssa Jones had a shot with him (due to his predilection for dick and fart jokes), but maybe I would have taken a moment’s pause to consider the uh, offer in that living room scene at the end. Grown men who can pull off a backwards baseball cap are my weakness. Very few can. Many try.

Mark Ruffalo, Rumor Has It.

5. Ok, Jennifer Aniston, really try to concentrate this time. Mark Ruffalo or Kevin Costner? NO, GODDAMNIT! … Ok. I’m sorry. I’m going to ask you one last time. Ok. Maark, as in the handsome guy who rocked Meg Ryan’s world in In the Cut, or Kevin? Now remember, Kevin was in Waterworld. And you thought he was your father. Thank god she gets it right in the end at least.

Ed Norton, Fight Club.

6. This one isn’t entirely valid because well, 14-year-old spoiler alert, Helena Bonham Carter did actually choose Ed Norton, but to my mind, Ed is the sexier version of Brad Pitt, not the other way around as it is presented to us. Like if they were really separate people, I would be all about Ed.

Ed Norton, Keeping the Faith.

7. Ed Norton, part two. Keeping the Faith – why doesn’t Dharma, I mean Jenna Elfman, pick Ed over Ben Stiller? Given Ed directed this movie, I’m guessing it’s because he’s humble. Which makes me love him even more.

Adam Goldberg, How to Lose a Guy in 10 Days.

8. Adam Goldberg. His character is witty, articulate and gets the leading man to see reason about the lady in the end, before she gets away. Just imagine Adam on the motorbike to the tune of the best Gin Blossoms song in the movie’s finale, instead of the guy who communicates via a series of grunts, squeals and chin thrusts. Best line from McConaughey in the movie: “Naw, naw, naw, naw, naw, come oon, man, hoooooooo!” Use your words, Matthew.

Ron Livingston, Buying the Cow.

9. Three words, Bridgette Wilson: spoilt for choice. Your boyfriend’s friends include Ryan Reynolds and Ron (slacker has never been made more sexy) Livingston and you’ve gone with the crybaby who couldn’t cross a bridge in Stand by Me. And you’re a smoking hot blonde. I may also be looking at you, Rebecca Romijn. Not going to rub it in though, Bridgette, you paid the price for your mistake. We’ve all been there.

Jon Favreau, The Break Up.

10. Putting this one out there… Jon Favreau. He’s got that big bear thing like Javier Bardem that makes me just wanna sit on his lap. No, just me? Ok, never mind. I also don’t have dreams about Pete Hornberger from 30 Rock taking me out to a dive bar for beers and under-the-table knee rubs. Really, I don’t.

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Jul15

You can’t come back from that

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Movies can sometimes set audiences up for disappointment in real life. There are certain things one just can’t do if one wants to maintain a relationship with another person. Unless the person in question has really low self-esteem, there are quite a lot of deal breakers that will ruin any chance of the ‘happily ever after’.

Here are the movies that are guilty of overestimating human forgiveness and understanding.

Wedding Crashers

Your new boyfriend seems uh… nice. (Photo credit: Wikipedia)

Wedding Crashers

“So, sure, Mom, he lied to us all about who he was, crashed both my sisters’ weddings, but it was only because he and his buddy like to spend every summer lying to strangers to spoil their days and have sex with any girl they can get drunk enough. It doesn’t mean he’s a bad person. I think he’s The One.”

– No ending to any real story that has happened ever.

Film poster for My Best Friend's Wedding - Cop...

My Best Friend’s Wedding, aka 10 Ways to Ensure Your Best Friend Gets a Restraining Order Against You. (Photo credit: Wikipedia)

My Best Friend’s Wedding

“Hey, remember that time you tried to sabotage my marriage and get me fired? Haha, good times.”

– Awkward future conversation that a man won’t be having with his former best friend.

Cover of "My Best Friend's Girl (Unrated ...

Why is she SMILING? Name three good qualities the guy has, just three, seriously, Kate Hudson! (Photo credit: Amazon)

My Best Friend’s Girl

“When I first met Tank, he was such an asshole. He took me out for a date to a strip club and got me to pay for his lap dance. But then he had no strings attached sex with me for a series of weeks before attending my sister’s wedding, vomiting on her during her first dance with her husband, fatally injuring my grandmother, and propositioning my mother for fellatio. And I think that’s around the time I realised he was the man I was going to marry.”

–      A speech you won’t hear from a bride at her wedding reception.

Once Upon a Time in America

He’s a very distinguished looking leading man (with a great hat) who just gets a little rapey sometimes. (Photo credit: 3G Blu-Ray)

Once Upon a Time in America

“I can’t believe you won’t forgive me after I never even apologised for raping you. We’ve clearly loved each other all these years.”

–      Man in straitjacket.

Big Daddy (film)

Aww, that’s so sweet. (Photo credit: Wikipedia)

Big Daddy

“I think it’s totally cool you only work one day a week, sit on your ass all day, and lie to child services to get a kid to care for irresponsibly.”

–      An intelligent, beautiful, successful lawyer’s response to her date right before the fake emergency phone call from her friend to get her the hell out of there.

Film poster for The Exorcist - Copyright 1973,...

Kill it, seriously, kill it now. Why are you talking to it? What, now you’re recording it?? Are you two making an album together? What the hell, priest? (Photo credit: Wikipedia, Copyright 1973, Warner Bros.)

The Exorcist

“Thanks for inviting me over yesterday to see your daughter who’s clearly possessed by Satan and literally the most terrifying thing I’ve ever seen. I’m back to have another word with her.”

–      A little white lie told with crossed fingers and a firearm held behind the priest’s back.

Cover of "The Family Stone (Widescreen Ed...

So much awkwardness. (Photo credit: Amazon)

The Family Stone

“Things feel so much more comfortable this Christmas since we swapped girlfriends.”

–      Not a likely remark to be passed between brothers at the family dinner table.

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Jun19

More macho movies

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Rocky has such a heart of gold he takes personal responsibility for tenderising all of Philadelphia's meat.

Rocky has such a heart of gold he takes personal responsibility for tenderising all of Philadelphia’s meat. (Photo credit: Comic Vine)

It was quite the sausage fest on my TV screen this week with five more movies crossed off my Top 250 IMDb list: Rocky, There Will Be Blood, The Wrestler, The Third Man, and The Bourne Ultimatum.

The Bourne Ultimatum

Interesting timing to watch this movie! I think I read about the Edward Snowden NSA leak the following day and the third installment of the Jason Bourne series certainly plays on the same idea: does a government have the right to make fundamental decisions about people’s lives without the consent or knowledge of those people? Is it ever justifiable to give someone the ‘no questions asked’ go-ahead to destroy the life of anyone they choose in the name of greater safety for all?

I liked this movie and think it raised these questions quite articulately but like the other Bourne movies, the action sequences lose me a little. Don’t get me wrong, I really like the series, but I have learned that I may as well get up and make a coffee when Bourne starts kicking ass because my eyes obviously can’t keep up with the rapidity of shots that are so short they may well qualify as subliminal messaging. All I need to know is what happened in the end. Did Bourne win again? Of course he did. Then it’s just a matter of finding out if anyone has switched sides. Oops, spoiler alert!

All of that and Matt Damon makes for the most attractive action hero ever. Can more action heroes not be jerks? I like that there is a cap on how many cheesy one-liners in the vein of ‘I have come here to chew bubblegum and kick ass… and I’m all out of bubblegum’ are included in these movies.

Rocky

“Adrian!” Oh Sly, what a charming leading man you make. You know, if a woman is either deaf or stupid. Given your leading lady doesn’t really say anything until halfway through the movie, I could make sense of why she agrees to date you – she’s got to be impaired in some way, right? Wrong.

Yes, Rocky is the sweet underdog. Yes, he has a heart of gold. But he also talks wall-to-wall crap for the entire duration of the movie.

I don’t like this movie, but I don’t hate it either. It’s about as subtle as a very slow, intentional punch to the face, but I’m super glad that there are people out there who love it. It has a lovely message that I haven’t seen communicated so well since Walt Disney’s Dumbo. I would explain the message but I don’t want to be condescending.

The Wrestler

This is what a more sophisticated movie about a fighter looks like. This movie repeatedly broke my heart and then mended it from start to finish.

The plot makes you want to jump off a bridge, it is so tragic, but it is an incredible character piece for Mickey Rourke.

I thought some steroid-injecting, old guy with long bleached hair who fake wrestles other men for fun and hangs out at his local strip club would be hard for me to relate to. This, the second film I have watched of Darren Aronofsky (see my review of Black Swan from last week), perfectly captures the one, universal thing about humans no matter where they are in the world: we crave connection.

As much as Mickey’s character Randy loves wrestling, he would throw it all away if it meant he never had to feel lonely again. Realising that he lost the person he cared most about, his daughter, because he instead chose the fast times of being a professional wrestler is the biggest lesson of his life. Even though he is solely responsible for his loneliness, you want so badly for him to have his daughter back in his life. It is unbearable to see someone alone with no one who cares about him and I think this audience reaction is a defining thing about humanity.

Also, I didn’t really buy that no one wanted a private dance from Marisa Tomei’s stripper character because she was older. She is insanely hot in the movie; I don’t care how old you are.

There Will Be Blood

With Daniel Day Lewis, a filmmaker can’t go wrong. I don’t think the plot of this movie really worked but it still held my attention while I dug my fingernails into my knees because Daniel Day Lewis is so intense in every scene I was always convinced he was going to murder someone, anyone.

Paul Dano as his nemesis gives a great performance, but he just can’t compete with the Day Lewis factor. They need to give him a more formidable opponent.

The film makes a pretty clear statement about the trappings of success and greed and how it can leave a person cold to even their own family. It’s nicely paralleled in the final scene when Paul Dano’s character Eli Sunday renounces the one thing that is supposed to mean the most to him.

Daniel’s son H.W. is the one person you care about, but he’s not really well developed enough to carry your interest. Everyone else just seems evil, stupid, or like a potential murder victim.

Because there is no strong character to empathise with, I didn’t feel invested beyond feeling terrified that I was about to see murders all the time.

The movie’s title may also have had a hand in this anxiety.

The Third Man

That Orson Welles, what a kidder. His character, Harry Lime, certainly leads his poor buddy Holly Martins up the garden path, alright. (Reread those last two sentences in a 1950s sassy American reporter voice. It will help you transition to thinking about old movies.)

Not just his buddy, but the army police, his girlfriend, everybody really.

It’s a nice little mystery to watch unfold, but it is very hard for me to see why his friend, Holly, and his girlfriend, Anna, ever thought so highly of him. His character is a real scumbag and when we finally meet him and hear what he has to say for himself, he is completely unapologetic and finds the whole situation and the damage he has caused to be a joke. He doesn’t seem capable of putting on a charade to fool anyone into thinking he is a great guy.

I enjoyed this movie, but only in the same way I enjoyed those ‘Choose your own Adventure’ books when I was a kid. It’s a short-lived novelty to figure out the answer to the mystery with the main character.

On the upside, there’s a lovely shot of Orson Welles’ face caught in the moonlight halfway through the movie. He really had a cool-looking face and his voice was neat-o. That’s all I have to say about that.

Jun15

My favourite places

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I have now travelled to 25 countries, which is really just like dipping my toes into the water as far as exploring the world goes. Still, after my last trip to Eastern Europe, I started making a list of my favourite places so far. It felt like a nice time to look back and figure out an answer to the question asked by those who diagnose you with the ‘travel bug’: “Where did you like best?” I might also have been bored on a long train ride.

So, in no particular order, here’s my list.

Paraty, Brazil

Stunning small coastal village with colonial buildings and cobbled streets. A day out on a yacht never hurts either.

Stunning small coastal village with colonial buildings and cobbled streets. A day out on a yacht never hurts either.

Rome, Italy

There is nowhere like Rome. You wander through narrow little streets and then stumble upon a massive ancient monument. I was awestruck.

There is nowhere like Rome. You wander through narrow little streets and then stumble upon a massive ancient monument. I was awestruck.

Geneva, Switzerland

My friend who lives in Geneva took me for a tour and warned it wouldn't take long. She was right. We happily wandered around the beautiful lake and Old Town and I got carried away photographing the gorgeous spring flowers in the peaceful park.

My friend who lives in Geneva took me for a tour and warned it wouldn’t take long. She was right. We happily wandered around the beautiful lake and Old Town and I got carried away photographing the gorgeous spring flowers in the peaceful park.

Bled, Slovenia

A tiny town by a still lake where motor boats are not allowed and a man paddles you out to a small island where you can ring a church bell and make a wish. If that's not enough, visit the medieval castle on the hill and bottle your own wine with a monk.

A tiny town by a still lake where motor boats are not allowed and a man paddles you out to a small island where you can ring a church bell and make a wish. If that’s not enough, visit the medieval castle on the hill and bottle your own wine with a monk.

Český Krumlov, Czech Republic

I arrived in this town exhausted but walking around completely reinvigorated me. An old Bohemian town, highlights include artwork around every corner in the form of paintings on the walls of buildings, sculptures, and even writing on the stones of the cobbled streets. Plus bears living in the moat of an old castle, super friendly people, arts and crafts stores in abundance, medieval feasts, and a lively gypsy bar.

I arrived in this town exhausted but walking around completely reinvigorated me. An old Bohemian town, highlights include artwork around every corner in the form of paintings on the walls of buildings, sculptures, and even writing on the stones of the cobbled streets. Plus bears living in the moat of an old castle, super friendly people, arts and crafts stores in abundance, medieval feasts, and a lively gypsy bar.

San Francisco, USA

Being from a bayside area in Australia, San Francisco instantly felt familiar. It's easy going and you would almost feel like you were in Europe with the Victorian architecture if it weren't for the blue sky and sea breeze.

Being from a bayside area in Australia, San Francisco instantly felt familiar. It’s easy going and you would almost feel like you were in Europe with the Victorian architecture if it weren’t for the blue sky and sea breeze.

Paris, France

Paris is one of the few cities that completely lived up to the hype for me. Staying in Montmartre, we wandered around gathering delicious macarons, pastries, bread, poulet et pommes, and bottles of Bordeaux. I almost wept one night thanking the chef after the best meal of my life. Beyond the food, Paris is one of the best cities to explore on foot and via the Metro, from the old haunts of artists like Dali, Monet, and Picasso, to stunning churches like Notre Dame, to quirky bookshops where you can walk upstairs and sit on the couch while your friend plays the piano. Oh, and there's this little place called the Louvre where I nearly passed out because I forgot about hunger as I walked around in a trance.

Paris is one of the few cities that completely lived up to the hype for me. Staying in Montmartre, we wandered around gathering delicious macarons, pastries, bread, poulet et pommes, and bottles of Bordeaux. I almost wept one night thanking the chef after the best meal of my life. Beyond the food, Paris is one of the best cities to explore on foot and via the Metro, from the old haunts of artists like Dali, Monet, and Picasso, to stunning churches like Notre Dame, to quirky bookshops where you can walk upstairs and sit on the couch while your friend plays the piano. Oh, and there’s this little place called the Louvre where I nearly passed out because I forgot about hunger as I walked around in a trance.

Edinburgh, Scotland

With dark, gothic architecture and a rich artistic history, this city is fun to explore at night. A journey that began at a castle, wound through streets lined with warm pubs, up some stairs into a cemetery to visit the grave of 18th century philosopher David Hume, then up Calton Hill to the half-built, full-size replica of the Parthenon, lit up and overlooking the city below.

With dark, gothic architecture and a rich artistic history, this city is fun to explore at night. A journey that began at a castle, wound through streets lined with warm pubs, up some stairs into a cemetery to visit the grave of 18th century philosopher David Hume, then up Calton Hill to the half-built, full-size replica of the Parthenon, lit up and overlooking the city below.

Bath, England

Bath is exactly what you would expect the one time home of Jane Austen to be: completely charming and romantic. It feels like a town willing its residents to enjoy themselves with lots of public parks, theatres, and of course the Roman Baths.

Bath is exactly what you would expect the one time home of Jane Austen to be: completely charming and romantic. It feels like a town willing its residents to enjoy themselves with lots of public parks, theatres, and of course the Roman Baths.

Dunedin, New Zealand

A city built around a big lake is always a thing of beauty. Dunedin has that beauty plus an albatross nesting area and a history involving the Maori peoples, Scottish settlers, a gold rush, and a thriving indie rock scene. (Photo credit: Wikipedia)

A city built around a big lake is always a thing of beauty. Dunedin has that beauty plus an albatross nesting area and a history involving the Maori peoples, Scottish settlers, a gold rush, and a thriving indie rock scene. (Photo credit: Wikipedia)

Isle of Pines, New Caledonia

Imagine snorkelling here. With tropical fish. With no one else on the tiny little beach but the people you came with. Enough said. (Photo credit: Wikipedia)

Imagine snorkelling here. With tropical fish. With no one else on the tiny little beach but the people you came with. Enough said. (Photo credit: Wikipedia)

Here’s the silly part though. I am guilty of the same thing that many travellers admit to with shame in their eyes; I have not really explored much of my own country, Australia.

I have not included any Australian destinations on my list of favourites because, even though I think our country is incredibly beautiful and unique, I haven’t really seen the best bits yet. I’m yet to snorkel the Great Barrier Reef, visit the big red rock at Uluru, or go down to that little extra piece at the bottom that sometimes gets forgotten, Tasmania, which is so beautiful it inspired one of my friends to pack up and move down there.

I have seen the Twelve Apostles and driven along the Great Ocean Road, which is stunning, and I do enjoy a visit to what is the trendiest of our cities these days, Melbourne.

I am committing to seeing more of Australia before I journey to any more of the rest of the world. That way, when I next cross paths with a Canadian backpacker who tells me about their trip to Australia, I will understand what the hell they’re talking about.

Jun13

I want to live with Petunia Pig again

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You pretty little piggy, where have you been all my adult life? Oh, Etsy.com.

You pretty little piggy, where have you been all my adult life? Oh, Etsy.com.

I’ve been hit by a wave of nostalgia. Hard. My bank account may also suffer some of this impact.

On one of my recent journeys around the Internet, I came across this little Petunia Pig glass for sale on Etsy.com and I lost my freaking mind. I had completely forgotten that Petunia had ever existed. You know her, right? Porky Pig‘s girlfriend? She started out sassy, paving the way for others like Miss Piggy. Then she softened a little and was the sweet, quiet girlfriend (and later wife) of Porky. She took pity on him with his stutter, gathering him under her wing, uh, I mean, trotter.

Now, not only can I rediscover my childhood love of Petunia, but I can drink out of her! It got me thinking: a) what other awesome cartoon characters have I forgotten from my youth, and b) can I fill my house with them?

Here’s what I have found so far. This isn’t over.

Little Lulu ring

Little Lulu wrapped around your little finger (or ring finger)

This chick rocked my world. I even call my dog Lucy ‘Lulu’ when she’s mischievous (and ‘Lucifer’ when she’s truly evil). I had a video of Little Lulu and she taught me that you can outsmart teachers in the classroom and ticket inspectors on the train. I can only assume she has since turned to a life of crime. Bet they never caught her though. Little Lulu, still at large.

Come along with the lady in the rad Snorks top.

Come along with the lady in the rad Snorks tank top.

My mum never would have convinced me to get out of bed for school if it wasn’t for The Snorks on Cartoon Connection on weekday mornings. They were basically like The Smurfs but UNDERWATER. Suck that, Smurfs. You wouldn’t last one minute down there. Well, you might last one minute but then your little blue lungs would fill with water and you would drown. Where is The Snorks 3D  feature film 20 years later? There is no justice here on land.

Spooky the Tuff Little Ghost kicked Casper's ass.

Spooky the Tuff Little Ghost cookin’ up a storm.

Someone gave me an old copy of a Spooky comic book when I was a kid and I actually felt afraid when I looked at the cover. Spooky might be little, but look at those eyebrows! They’re so menacing. What’s up with that sneer? And the hat, even though I was not aware at the time, is a little bit Clockwork Orange.

Jem and the Holograms - to wear with pride.

The three great music rivalries of our time: The Beatles v The Rolling Stones, Nirvana v Pearl Jam, and Barbie and the Rockers v Jem and the Holograms.

Taking their fashion cues from David Bowie and Cyndi Lauper, Jem and the Holograms were the glam rock girl answer to GI Joe for the boys. They also had fabulous ’80s young adult fiction names: Jerrica ‘Jem’ Benton, Kimber Benton, Aja Leith, Shana Elmsford, and Carmen ‘Raya’ Alonso. I can’t help but favour Stormer from their rival band The Misfits though. I’m a sucker for a keytar player.

Jun9

Y it’s not a dirty letter

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Lena Dunham: another Gen Y'er who just expects handouts... in exchange for her hard work, talent, and courage to break new ground.

Lena Dunham: another Gen Y’er who just expects handouts… in exchange for her hard work, talent, and courage to break new ground.

So you’ve heard how the conversation starts, right?

“That’s not how it was in my day…”

“Yeah, it’s so much easier for them now. They don’t want to have to work for anything.”

“It’s all just ‘me, me, me’ and ‘I want it now’.”

“Flamin’ mongrels.”

Ok, so I may have gone to the Alf side there for a second, but hey, that’s me, I’m Generation Y, we’re sooo random.

Most of the time, my Gen Y comrades and I just nod and smile during those workplace conversations. Yes, we are lucky. Yes, we don’t have to fight for so much. Yes, the world is our oyster. What can we say, we’re younger, our lives are ahead of us, we’re not going to win this argument, just be grateful and smile.

All of this is fine… to a point. That point is when a complete stranger starts accusing me across a meeting room table of being a passive, consumerist, spoilt brat.

Well, the issue of good manners aside, does this very forward gentleman have a point? (My use of the word ‘gentleman’ there is part of a little game I like to play in all my writing called ‘Spot the sarcasm’.)

Have we just wandered into the world, ready to take whatever is handed to us? By the end of our lives, will we have made no mark other than to contribute to a healthier economy through our spendthrift ways?

This man, a former radical and member of Generation X, was in the midst of planning an exhibition and party for himself and the other former members of his ragtag team that published naughty things back in the 1970s and ‘80s.

I was actually pretty excited to meet them but his combative attitude, his distaste for my involvement due to my age and obvious ignorance was like a glass of ice cold water poured over my flickering candle of admiration.

As a younger generation, are we allowed to fight back?

Well, Generation X certainly did. But how exactly?

Those who weren’t known for being disaffected, apathetic nihilists were very good at complaining about things. In France, people of this age were called Génération Bof, or Generation Whatever.

Some of my favourite music, films and reading materials come from this generation’s complaints. They used these established vehicles, mostly run by the Baby Boomers, to make their complaints.

To what end? They let the world know they were angry before embracing ‘the establishment’ jobs and settling down with a couple of kids, marrying then divorcing, realising they were older and had a whole new generation about which to complain.

I’m sorry, was that an unfair, sweeping generalisation? How dare I.

In reality, I have no issue with Generation X. They are simply a group of people born during a vague period of time in the 20th century (no one ever seems to agree what the actual start and end birth years are for each generation). There are corporate ladder climbers, stay at home parents, criminals, artists, travelling gypsies, politicians, the full range of humanity.

But if we must talk in general terms about Generation Y, then can we at least acknowledge that there is a good side.

We are more radical than people think.

We don’t just do mischievous things in the spaces established by previous generations – we create the space, change the face of it or challenge its very existence. We make new rules.

We’ve shaped the realm of social media that continues to keep corporations, politicians and marketers on their toes. We hold them accountable for their claims. Surely that dispels the myth of a passive consumerist generation. We know what we want, we are resourceful, we research, we ask each other for advice.

We have embraced, for better or for worse, file sharing and the exchange of ideas and yet we are accused of having no sense of community.

My friends and I report the news to each other, providing links to several sources via social media and then engaging in discussion and critique. No one can tell us what to think.

We are made to feel selfish and spoiled because we dare to ask ourselves what it is we want and then proactively seek out the answer to that question. My friends are not lazy. My Facebook newsfeed is a constant stream of “Still at the office”, “Finished my first triathlon”, “Volunteering at the charity store tomorrow”, “Writing my thesis”, and “Completed the surf lifesaving course”.

It seems when you stop complaining and pointing the finger of blame at other groups of people, you start becoming a more valuable, productive member of society.

Huh.

Jun3

Breaking up is hard… no actually, is getting easier to do

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PROOF: Singing to yourself in your underwear helps.

PROOF: Singing to yourself in your underwear helps.

Going through a break up can make it seem like all of your Facebook friends are married and producing offspring, while another one of your attempts at a ‘happily ever after’ has turned to dust.

However, the more of these break ups I endure, the better I get at figuring out the way through to the end without causing serious damage to others or myself.

I have learned not to set fire to anything, to ask politely for any of my borrowed stuff back, and to accept my role in the relationship’s demise.

I have realised that I need to acknowledge that the relationship is over and that makes me sad. If I don’t make my peace with this, I become very good at pretending I’m happy and running straight into another man’s arms/bedroom. Cut to three years later and I’ll be going through another break up. Contrary to what I claim in job applications, it seems I am not a fast learner.

That leads me onto the importance of not having sex with any of your friends. Complicated, very complicated, and really just not worth it. Not fun in the end, I guarantee you. Ignore every stupid romantic comedy movie ever made about the love of one’s life having been under one’s nose the whole time. People are generally not stupid and realise pretty early on if they want to hook up with a new ‘friend’.

Look, I love When Harry Met Sally as much as the next person, but in reality, the movie’s ending translates to this:

Harry was so horny one New Year’s Eve that he decided to go apologise to his friend, the last person he slept with who still liked him afterwards. Sally was on a bad date and feeling pretty depressed so they decided to get married to ensure they’d at least have sex and company. Sally was then able to concentrate on her career as a journalist and Harry went back to consulting with politicians (or whatever it was he did).

I may even understand now how to stay friends with an ex. So long as I never see him with a new girlfriend. That’s realistic, right?

The most important thing to remember is to reach out to friends and family for chats, alcohol, flowers, puppies, chocolate, and hugs.

They will give you validation that you still ‘got it’ when you roll up in your car blaring Beyoncé and emerge wearing tight pants. Just don’t bang them. Seriously, no banging.

And this is that Beyoncé song you need to listen to. It actually includes the line, “Sucks to be you right now.” Better than Neil Sedaka.

May26

I’m coming out of the closet… with a jar of Nutella

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Sunday night dinner.

Sunday night dinner.

Blogging is great, isn’t it. There’s such a feeling of safe, almost anonymity.

In the spirit of this feeling of security, and while I’m also under a blanket on my couch on a chilly Sunday evening, I am going to confess a few things to you. They are the obsessive habits I have cultivated throughout my life that I have been too ashamed to admit until now.

  1. I own all 10 seasons of Friends on DVD and have watched them repeatedly for the past nine years.
  2. Sometimes when I’m alone at night, I dine on spoonfuls of Nutella. As far as I know, it’s not not a healthy meal replacement.
  3. I perform concerts in my living room when home alone. If I don’t look in the mirror, I can convince myself that I am Eddie Vedder.
  4. When I’m reading a book and the author describes a strange sound that an animal is making, I start trying to quietly make that sound.
  5. I talk to my dog so much that I start truly believing she understands me and is responding with a series of head tilts, barks and leaving the room.
  6. I also speak encouragingly to food as I am cooking dinner. “Ok, tomato, so what I’m going to do is just turn you like this and make a quick incision right here. See, that doesn’t hurt too much, right? You look fabulous, by the way.”
  7. I make meaningless lists. Like titles of books I will write some day that I currently have no story for, female celebrities I would befriend if I were a famous film director, and lists of obsessive habits about which I can blog.
  8. Of course, I also spend a lot of time with my laptop and can spend up to an hour staring blankly at my Facebook profile, trying to figure out how to make it more interesting.
  9. I google celebrities I find attractive to find out if they are currently single and potentially open to dating me.
  10. My favourite thing to do is make dramatic resolutions to learn a language or take a course. Thanks to the Internet, I have quite a collection of phrase books in various languages and a folder of university courses on pretty much every subject imaginable. I only follow through on about one per cent of these ‘commitments’.

I welcome you to come out of the closet and share your so-called weird habits. It’s kinda like getting drunk together.

May18

Live like a boy for a week

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"You know how I know you're gay..."

“You know how I know you’re gay…”

Are you feeling stressed, exhausted or strung out? Forget expensive day spas, massages, alcoholic beverages and gorging chocolate whilst watching misleading romantic comedy films.

How would you like a free vacation from all your worries and cares?

Wondering where the hell I’m going with this?

Four words. Four simple words and you will thank me, non-verbally and probably just in your own head, for the rest of your life.

LIVE LIKE A BOY.

You might say, ‘why would I want to do that?’ or ‘what do boys know?’ or ‘hey, I used to be a boy’ but do you really understand what makes The Boy so great? Do you know his essence (no, not that kind of essence) and can you really make use of it (no, not like that, stop it) and wear it with pride (whatever, grow up)?

I’m going to break this plan down into three (that’s the same as 3!) easy steps because everybody loves numbers of things. It’s that simple.

#1 In the office

Perfect the art of nonchalance at work. If you act like you don’t care if you get fired, you will never get fired. In fact, you will probably get promoted.

See Exhibit A: the fine, critically acclaimed film Office Space.

Practise shrugging in response to questions, and see how quickly you can hit the floor under the meeting table when the boss asks for volunteers for additional work.

Make sure you never contribute food to birthday morning teas but always be sure to eat the most after turning up late. Don’t participate in singing ‘Happy birthday’ because only lame people do that.

In fact, do not, I repeat do not, turn up on time to anything ever. Make sure you are at least half an hour late to the office everyday and don’t offer any explanation as to why you were late. If directly asked, say ‘I was sleeping’. If pushed for further explanation, tell them you had a late night at the pub.

Ignore all electronic meeting requests and always always respond to questions with ‘I dunno, ask [insert your most annoying work colleague here].’

Trust me, work stress will soon be a thing of the past.

#2 Recreation time

It is easy to fall into the trap of trying to be ‘productive’ with your spare time and fill hours with grocery shopping, cleaning, gardening or visiting family and friends. Reading a book, well, that just makes me laugh… and then feel sorry for you.

Keep it simple, stupid. Get an Xbox and play from Friday night through to the wee hours of Monday morning. Imagine the kills you’ll get in that time and the people you’ll avoid getting into complicated discussions with.

If you sometimes crave human connection, get a headset and talk smack about your mate’s mum whilst sneaking up behind her and shooting her in the head. You didn’t really murder your best friend, it’s a game, silly. But it does prepare you to fight in the army, defeat an alien invasion and/or drive prostitutes to their next appointment.

Come Monday morning, you’ll feel a sense of accomplishment, stress relief from killing so many Nazis and you’ll feel super tired at work which will help you carry out step #1 of this program.

See Exhibit B: Vince Vaughn (that man has taught me so much) in The Break Up, which leads me to…

#3 Relationships are for suckers

Who needs a human lover when you have an iPad or similar mobile device? Touching a touchscreen is so much more satisfying.

Even when Siri does talk back, she at least apologises first.

Who needs the kind of pressures and expectations from a boyfriend/girlfriend/wife/husband?

But if you must maintain your relationship during your vacation time, make sure to do the right thing and FART.

That’s right, F.A.R.T.

F – Yes, literally Fart on your lover. But don’t just fart. Get creative! Fart blossom, when you use your hands to help waft the odour directly into their face. Dutch oven, when you fart under the blankets and then force their head underneath the covers. Take a romantic bath, take quiet and tranquil pause, gaze into your lover’s eyes and fart underwater. It’s Fun.

A – Ensure Accuracy. Hey, you’re not going to let go of your mobile device so why not use it in your relationship? Fact-check every statement that your partner makes. Is that really a French wine? Does their family really originate from Ireland? Were they popular in high school? Make enquiries, do your research, join online communities, google. It makes whatever they’re rambling on about so much more interesting if you can disprove it. It makes you an Asshole, which is so much fun to be. See Exhibit C: Denis Leary’s classic song Asshole.

R – Delay Response time. Just because they ask you a question, it does not mean it warrants an answer from you. Inane questions like, ‘what are you thinking?’ when clearly you’re thinking about how to kill the enemy in Call of Duty, hardly deserve a response. Just pretend you have gone deaf for three hours. It’s liberating.

T – Turn off. Seriously, this is where your mobile device truly does become a smart phone. Ignore calls, turn off your phone, remain un-contactable. If you get a long text message with a lot of detailed questions about dinner tonight, ignore it until 9.30pm and then text back, ‘hey, what up?’ It keeps your lover on their toes, gives you solitude and keeps the fire alive.

Just use these 3 easy steps and you’ll be enjoying the carefree life of a boy in no time. And if not, whatevs.

May13

McDonald’s, let’s do this right

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We need to talk.

We need to talk.

Ok, Mr Ronald McDonald, I don’t visit you very often but when I do, I’d like us to be courteous to each other and help others do the same.

First of all, I don’t dress and wear my make up to scare you and I also don’t associate with thieves or ‘hamburglers’. Please wipe that insane smile off your face and rid your establishment of criminals.

Secondly, please advise your staff that if they can in any way hear me, that they can take my order. If I’m at the first speakerbox and there’s no car behind me in the drive thru, and the person with the headset can hear me say ‘cheeseburger’ then I shouldn’t need to drive to the next speakerbox, I’ll just get the cheeseburger at the window. Let’s just start the conversation. Meet me where I’m at.

If a person in the drive thru speaks to you for more than 10 minutes about what they want to order, you should open a trapdoor underneath their car and keep them in timeout until they realise that they are wasting their time and that the only real reason to go to McDonald’s is to get a cheeseburger.

Why have an American themed, limited time only menu in Australia? As far as we’re aware, the entire McDonald’s menu is already American themed.

Why doesn’t the McOz burger contain kangaroo meat?

Why don’t you universally call the Quarter Pounder with Cheese the Spanish name: ‘cuarto de libra con queso’? It sounds so much prettier and then you could put it on the ‘little bit fancy’ menu.

And on that, I think you need to realise that a clown wearing stripes and yellow overalls isn’t expected to serve food that is even a ‘little bit’ fancy. Your attire suggests carny fare. Your friend is a purple blob who I can’t imagine cares whether or not his burger meat is genuine Australian Angus beef or if his hamburger bun is soft sourdough.

The new addition to the menu should be dagwood dogs. And please, make sure you refill your ketchup bottles in preparation for this. It is already very offensive to receive each Quarter Pounder with the remnants of a sauce bottle fart barely visible in the middle of the cheese.

Your eyebrows are so high. Why are you so surprised, Mr McDonald?