Category Archives: food

May26

I’m coming out of the closet… with a jar of Nutella

Posted on by
Standard
Sunday night dinner.

Sunday night dinner.

Blogging is great, isn’t it. There’s such a feeling of safe, almost anonymity.

In the spirit of this feeling of security, and while I’m also under a blanket on my couch on a chilly Sunday evening, I am going to confess a few things to you. They are the obsessive habits I have cultivated throughout my life that I have been too ashamed to admit until now.

  1. I own all 10 seasons of Friends on DVD and have watched them repeatedly for the past nine years.
  2. Sometimes when I’m alone at night, I dine on spoonfuls of Nutella. As far as I know, it’s not not a healthy meal replacement.
  3. I perform concerts in my living room when home alone. If I don’t look in the mirror, I can convince myself that I am Eddie Vedder.
  4. When I’m reading a book and the author describes a strange sound that an animal is making, I start trying to quietly make that sound.
  5. I talk to my dog so much that I start truly believing she understands me and is responding with a series of head tilts, barks and leaving the room.
  6. I also speak encouragingly to food as I am cooking dinner. “Ok, tomato, so what I’m going to do is just turn you like this and make a quick incision right here. See, that doesn’t hurt too much, right? You look fabulous, by the way.”
  7. I make meaningless lists. Like titles of books I will write some day that I currently have no story for, female celebrities I would befriend if I were a famous film director, and lists of obsessive habits about which I can blog.
  8. Of course, I also spend a lot of time with my laptop and can spend up to an hour staring blankly at my Facebook profile, trying to figure out how to make it more interesting.
  9. I google celebrities I find attractive to find out if they are currently single and potentially open to dating me.
  10. My favourite thing to do is make dramatic resolutions to learn a language or take a course. Thanks to the Internet, I have quite a collection of phrase books in various languages and a folder of university courses on pretty much every subject imaginable. I only follow through on about one per cent of these ‘commitments’.

I welcome you to come out of the closet and share your so-called weird habits. It’s kinda like getting drunk together.

May13

McDonald’s, let’s do this right

Posted on by
Standard
We need to talk.

We need to talk.

Ok, Mr Ronald McDonald, I don’t visit you very often but when I do, I’d like us to be courteous to each other and help others do the same.

First of all, I don’t dress and wear my make up to scare you and I also don’t associate with thieves or ‘hamburglers’. Please wipe that insane smile off your face and rid your establishment of criminals.

Secondly, please advise your staff that if they can in any way hear me, that they can take my order. If I’m at the first speakerbox and there’s no car behind me in the drive thru, and the person with the headset can hear me say ‘cheeseburger’ then I shouldn’t need to drive to the next speakerbox, I’ll just get the cheeseburger at the window. Let’s just start the conversation. Meet me where I’m at.

If a person in the drive thru speaks to you for more than 10 minutes about what they want to order, you should open a trapdoor underneath their car and keep them in timeout until they realise that they are wasting their time and that the only real reason to go to McDonald’s is to get a cheeseburger.

Why have an American themed, limited time only menu in Australia? As far as we’re aware, the entire McDonald’s menu is already American themed.

Why doesn’t the McOz burger contain kangaroo meat?

Why don’t you universally call the Quarter Pounder with Cheese the Spanish name: ‘cuarto de libra con queso’? It sounds so much prettier and then you could put it on the ‘little bit fancy’ menu.

And on that, I think you need to realise that a clown wearing stripes and yellow overalls isn’t expected to serve food that is even a ‘little bit’ fancy. Your attire suggests carny fare. Your friend is a purple blob who I can’t imagine cares whether or not his burger meat is genuine Australian Angus beef or if his hamburger bun is soft sourdough.

The new addition to the menu should be dagwood dogs. And please, make sure you refill your ketchup bottles in preparation for this. It is already very offensive to receive each Quarter Pounder with the remnants of a sauce bottle fart barely visible in the middle of the cheese.

Your eyebrows are so high. Why are you so surprised, Mr McDonald?