Monthly Archives: July 2013

You can’t come back from that

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Movies can sometimes set audiences up for disappointment in real life. There are certain things one just can’t do if one wants to maintain a relationship with another person. Unless the person in question has really low self-esteem, there are quite a lot of deal breakers that will ruin any chance of the ‘happily ever after’.

Here are the movies that are guilty of overestimating human forgiveness and understanding.

Wedding Crashers

Your new boyfriend seems uh… nice. (Photo credit: Wikipedia)

Wedding Crashers

“So, sure, Mom, he lied to us all about who he was, crashed both my sisters’ weddings, but it was only because he and his buddy like to spend every summer lying to strangers to spoil their days and have sex with any girl they can get drunk enough. It doesn’t mean he’s a bad person. I think he’s The One.”

– No ending to any real story that has happened ever.

Film poster for My Best Friend's Wedding - Cop...

My Best Friend’s Wedding, aka 10 Ways to Ensure Your Best Friend Gets a Restraining Order Against You. (Photo credit: Wikipedia)

My Best Friend’s Wedding

“Hey, remember that time you tried to sabotage my marriage and get me fired? Haha, good times.”

– Awkward future conversation that a man won’t be having with his former best friend.

Cover of "My Best Friend's Girl (Unrated ...

Why is she SMILING? Name three good qualities the guy has, just three, seriously, Kate Hudson! (Photo credit: Amazon)

My Best Friend’s Girl

“When I first met Tank, he was such an asshole. He took me out for a date to a strip club and got me to pay for his lap dance. But then he had no strings attached sex with me for a series of weeks before attending my sister’s wedding, vomiting on her during her first dance with her husband, fatally injuring my grandmother, and propositioning my mother for fellatio. And I think that’s around the time I realised he was the man I was going to marry.”

–      A speech you won’t hear from a bride at her wedding reception.

Once Upon a Time in America

He’s a very distinguished looking leading man (with a great hat) who just gets a little rapey sometimes. (Photo credit: 3G Blu-Ray)

Once Upon a Time in America

“I can’t believe you won’t forgive me after I never even apologised for raping you. We’ve clearly loved each other all these years.”

–      Man in straitjacket.

Big Daddy (film)

Aww, that’s so sweet. (Photo credit: Wikipedia)

Big Daddy

“I think it’s totally cool you only work one day a week, sit on your ass all day, and lie to child services to get a kid to care for irresponsibly.”

–      An intelligent, beautiful, successful lawyer’s response to her date right before the fake emergency phone call from her friend to get her the hell out of there.

Film poster for The Exorcist - Copyright 1973,...

Kill it, seriously, kill it now. Why are you talking to it? What, now you’re recording it?? Are you two making an album together? What the hell, priest? (Photo credit: Wikipedia, Copyright 1973, Warner Bros.)

The Exorcist

“Thanks for inviting me over yesterday to see your daughter who’s clearly possessed by Satan and literally the most terrifying thing I’ve ever seen. I’m back to have another word with her.”

–      A little white lie told with crossed fingers and a firearm held behind the priest’s back.

Cover of "The Family Stone (Widescreen Ed...

So much awkwardness. (Photo credit: Amazon)

The Family Stone

“Things feel so much more comfortable this Christmas since we swapped girlfriends.”

–      Not a likely remark to be passed between brothers at the family dinner table.

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Family antiques

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Family antiques

I love shopping for antiques at the markets. There is something extra special about buying something that has a history, a personal story behind it. Most of the time though, unless you encounter a particularly informed and chatty salesperson, you can only ever conjure up this story in your imagination.

That’s why those little hand-me-downs from my own family are so valuable to me. That’s the tea cup my mother filled after putting me down for a nap when I was a baby (to enjoy while watching Days of Our Lives), the stools my great great grandfather made for his young granddaughter, the brooch my Nanna wore when she was embarking on a nice day out, the beer mugs my grandfather displayed with pride in his own makeshift bar at home, and my Dad’s records that are responsible for my taste in both music and comedy.

The beer mugs from my Poppy’s bar that don’t have naked ladies/mermaids on them.

The beer mugs from my Poppy’s bar that don’t have naked ladies/mermaids on them.

Nanna Rosie loved Snow White almost as much as I do. Any doll or ornament that bore even the slightest resemblance had to be immediately obtained.

Nanna Rosie loved Snow White almost as much as I do. Any doll or ornament that bore even the slightest resemblance had to be immediately obtained.

My Nanna’s brooch and little pillbox and my Mum’s beads that go perfectly with my favourite yellow dress.

My Nanna’s brooch and little pillbox and my Mum’s beads that go perfectly with my favourite yellow dress.

Mum’s very cute and retro tea set that she was going to get rid of! I rescued it from a dusty box.

Mum’s very cute and retro tea set that she was going to get rid of! I rescued it from a dusty box.

My Nanna knitted this owl tea cosy. That’s her very well used teapot too. It’s more than a little stained inside. She had a big family to make tea for.

My Nanna knitted this owl tea cosy. That’s her very well used teapot too. It’s more than a little stained inside. She had a big family to make tea for.

My Nanna Rosie had a huge doll collection and left them to her granddaughters in her will. These are the two I chose. They’re small and strange but almost look like brother and sister, or sister and sister if you note the lipstick on the doll in the suit.

My Nanna Rosie had a huge doll collection and left them to her granddaughters in her will. These are the two I chose. They’re small and strange but almost look like brother and sister, or sister and sister if you note the lipstick on the doll in the suit.

5th generation stool. Do I dare stand on it to reach the top shelf? Still seems pretty sturdy…

5th generation stool. Do I dare stand on it to reach the top shelf? Still seems pretty sturdy…

Future generations: this simple combination will get you through your angsty teenage years. Guaranteed. Thanks Dad.

Future generations: this simple combination will get you through your angsty teenage years. Guaranteed. Thanks Dad.