“You know how I know you’re gay…”
Are you feeling stressed, exhausted or strung out? Forget expensive day spas, massages, alcoholic beverages and gorging chocolate whilst watching misleading romantic comedy films.
How would you like a free vacation from all your worries and cares?
Wondering where the hell I’m going with this?
Four words. Four simple words and you will thank me, non-verbally and probably just in your own head, for the rest of your life.
LIVE LIKE A BOY.
You might say, ‘why would I want to do that?’ or ‘what do boys know?’ or ‘hey, I used to be a boy’ but do you really understand what makes The Boy so great? Do you know his essence (no, not that kind of essence) and can you really make use of it (no, not like that, stop it) and wear it with pride (whatever, grow up)?
I’m going to break this plan down into three (that’s the same as 3!) easy steps because everybody loves numbers of things. It’s that simple.
#1 In the office
Perfect the art of nonchalance at work. If you act like you don’t care if you get fired, you will never get fired. In fact, you will probably get promoted.
See Exhibit A: the fine, critically acclaimed film Office Space.
Practise shrugging in response to questions, and see how quickly you can hit the floor under the meeting table when the boss asks for volunteers for additional work.
Make sure you never contribute food to birthday morning teas but always be sure to eat the most after turning up late. Don’t participate in singing ‘Happy birthday’ because only lame people do that.
In fact, do not, I repeat do not, turn up on time to anything ever. Make sure you are at least half an hour late to the office everyday and don’t offer any explanation as to why you were late. If directly asked, say ‘I was sleeping’. If pushed for further explanation, tell them you had a late night at the pub.
Ignore all electronic meeting requests and always always respond to questions with ‘I dunno, ask [insert your most annoying work colleague here].’
Trust me, work stress will soon be a thing of the past.
#2 Recreation time
It is easy to fall into the trap of trying to be ‘productive’ with your spare time and fill hours with grocery shopping, cleaning, gardening or visiting family and friends. Reading a book, well, that just makes me laugh… and then feel sorry for you.
Keep it simple, stupid. Get an Xbox and play from Friday night through to the wee hours of Monday morning. Imagine the kills you’ll get in that time and the people you’ll avoid getting into complicated discussions with.
If you sometimes crave human connection, get a headset and talk smack about your mate’s mum whilst sneaking up behind her and shooting her in the head. You didn’t really murder your best friend, it’s a game, silly. But it does prepare you to fight in the army, defeat an alien invasion and/or drive prostitutes to their next appointment.
Come Monday morning, you’ll feel a sense of accomplishment, stress relief from killing so many Nazis and you’ll feel super tired at work which will help you carry out step #1 of this program.
See Exhibit B: Vince Vaughn (that man has taught me so much) in The Break Up, which leads me to…
#3 Relationships are for suckers
Who needs a human lover when you have an iPad or similar mobile device? Touching a touchscreen is so much more satisfying.
Even when Siri does talk back, she at least apologises first.
Who needs the kind of pressures and expectations from a boyfriend/girlfriend/wife/husband?
But if you must maintain your relationship during your vacation time, make sure to do the right thing and FART.
That’s right, F.A.R.T.
F – Yes, literally Fart on your lover. But don’t just fart. Get creative! Fart blossom, when you use your hands to help waft the odour directly into their face. Dutch oven, when you fart under the blankets and then force their head underneath the covers. Take a romantic bath, take quiet and tranquil pause, gaze into your lover’s eyes and fart underwater. It’s Fun.
A – Ensure Accuracy. Hey, you’re not going to let go of your mobile device so why not use it in your relationship? Fact-check every statement that your partner makes. Is that really a French wine? Does their family really originate from Ireland? Were they popular in high school? Make enquiries, do your research, join online communities, google. It makes whatever they’re rambling on about so much more interesting if you can disprove it. It makes you an Asshole, which is so much fun to be. See Exhibit C: Denis Leary’s classic song Asshole.
R – Delay Response time. Just because they ask you a question, it does not mean it warrants an answer from you. Inane questions like, ‘what are you thinking?’ when clearly you’re thinking about how to kill the enemy in Call of Duty, hardly deserve a response. Just pretend you have gone deaf for three hours. It’s liberating.
T – Turn off. Seriously, this is where your mobile device truly does become a smart phone. Ignore calls, turn off your phone, remain un-contactable. If you get a long text message with a lot of detailed questions about dinner tonight, ignore it until 9.30pm and then text back, ‘hey, what up?’ It keeps your lover on their toes, gives you solitude and keeps the fire alive.
Just use these 3 easy steps and you’ll be enjoying the carefree life of a boy in no time. And if not, whatevs.